"The best lesson I ever learned"
SHAME: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
As I publicly pour my heart out, please, bare with me. I created my blog to have a mix of personal & work blogs but, I have regretted not taking that step into my personal life thus far, so here we go....
Last night, out of nowhere I decided to get out my camera and take a self portrait. This had been an intentional plan for the last two months but, I was going to shower, clean my house and do my hair and make up to prove to the world I was...... someone I'm not. Want to know what I learned? I hung my head or covered most of my face in every single photo....is it because I haven't showered in 3 days, because my house is a MESS? Or that laundry is hanging from the banister and I have 2.6 million things on my to do list. No. Do I hate myself? I mean.... the thought has crossed my mind a dozen times. Do I????? Or am I ashamed of myself?
I am notoriously a f*ck up- to bluntly put it. I quite literally manage to self destruct every so often. Something goes great and BOOM my subconscious is like NOPE...not happening. We need to make you tougher, more aware and learn valuable lessons.
So I am just going to SAY it. I owe some really amazing/hard working women a really big apology. Over the summer I made an editing video. The video was of an edit I was currently using at that time but, the formula and specific steps were not all mine. They were shared with me by a dear friend/fellow photographer and I didn't think twice while I broke her trust. On top of that I made a photography action set that was compiled of actions from other photographers- from copying formula's/renaming. Somehow I didn't see the harm in this.... I was being blinded by my ego to see the harm I was causing to others, but, now I can see, I see what it has done. I also want to apologize as to how long this has taken me to publicly apologize along with every excuse I made not to do it. I was too embarrassed. It was never my intention to cause anyone hurt or pain. Looking back, however, I can see that I let pride take over before thinking decisions thoroughly through.
I was going to share this last month but, every time I went to write it, it felt too "professional" and not sincere. But again, pride, ego and embarrassment got in the way. Could this hurt or even possibly ruin my business? What would people think of me? It's embarrassing to admit when you royally screw up but, sometimes, it has to be done to make things that were wrong.... right!
I have held my head down in shame since my mistakes. I have hidden from the world, silenced myself, disappeared and pretended it was all just going to go away. But now, I want to share with you what I have learned. I am human and I have been fighting this battle with myself. I have gone back and forth between hating myself to loving myself... hating the world and loving the world. It's confusing.... doing something wrong and being called out for it. Your first instinct is to deny.... it could all just go away so, you deny. Lie and tell yourself the things you want to hear. Then blame how things went on others, blame them for how things went down when you are the one that caused the problem to begin with. This journey taught me more than I could fathom about myself. I realized I was an emotional being- something I struggled with for a long time. I learned about spirituality.... my subconscious mind.... how to forgive.... how to truly love... how to trust.... how to deal with difficult situations and what to do when you really just screw up!
It took me falling to my knees in pure desperation after a long and tough battle with myself to find... ME. I am not an emotional person but this journey has been incredibly emotional and in all sincerity....I feel so horrible for the trouble I caused and the choice of my actions and I am so sorry to those women I hurt. If you feel this way or have ever felt this way, you are not alone and know that you are loved and cherished. Admit when wrong, apologize when needed and love unconditionally.
Proverbs 22:1 “A good name is more desirable than riches.”